Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Dreams vs. Life

Today I watched Revolutionary Road.

”If being crazy means living life as if it matters, then I don’t care if we are completely insane”says Kate Winslet
But how does one go about living life like it “matters”? Do you run away to Paris like the Wheelers planned to? Quit your job and dabble in arts?  Devote your materialistic life to charity?
I won’t lie. There has been many a day and even phases where I have felt like April Wheeler. Times I have felt stifled by my own life. The failures and even the successes. The choices I have made and their consequences.
It’s easier to be forgiving of the past. If I am unhappy with the way things are, it’s a result of choices I made in the past. Bad choices maybe, but what I believed were best at that time. I am sure I weighed my options to the best of my knowledge. But I was younger then and aren’t we all allowed some foolishness?
The present is trickier. It makes me feel like a split personality. One part of me is lulled in to smugness by a comfortable existence. The other is discontented, restless and constantly questioning the aforementioned existence. Sometimes it’s terrifying, this battle of “Is” against “What if?”
Around a year ago, I sat right here on my couch talking to a friend all night long. Our conversation was surprisingly soul-searching for two people who had just met. That night she quoted Zach Braff from The Last Kiss, saying “I’ve been thinking about my life lately. It’s all feels pretty planned out. There are no more surprises” She added that her life was all good.  But she knew exactly how her life was going to be and there was nothing left to look forward to anymore. Of all the things we talked about that night, this is what I remember best. Maybe because I was starting to feel the same way myself.


The dreamer in me has never got confused between dreams and reality. I always lived up to the practicalities. But in doing so, I’m afraid that I may have compromised on all those dreams I grew up with.  

Dreams nurtured by the books I read and time on my hands. Strangely enough they were never about achievement. But about places I wanted to see, people I wanted to meet and things I wanted to experience. I dreamt of being footloose. I wanted to be in places where history was made. Meet interesting people, make random acquaintances and find someone to dream with me. I wanted to do something worthwhile and make a difference in someone’s life. I wanted to experience uncertainty, revel in the unknown.  
That was my idea of living life as if it “mattered”. Of feeling life. I even had a plan until everyday life somehow got in the way.
But my life still is and always will be in my own hands. So maybe it’s not too late. Maybe now it’s time for my dreams to reckon with real life.







Sunday, December 26, 2010

This Made Me Laugh. A Lot.

A 4-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

Mum’, he asked, ‘Are these my brains?
Not yet,’ she replied.



Heh.




I will always flunk people 101 no matter how long I take the course it seems


Friday, December 17, 2010






Monday, November 29, 2010

Paper Boats



Remember when,
You made
Paper boats
And named them
After me?
Black & white
Like the world
We knew.
Until,
The newspaper print
It stained
Our fingers grey.
Yours from folding
And mine
From holding yours.


Monday, November 22, 2010

When I was a child I believed in prayers, believed without doubts. I believed that if I prayed hard enough I could lose weight before the next sunrise, top a subject I hated, have rainbows and sunshine if I prayed hard enough and more. I believed till I was 18 and then skepticism and cynicism reared rebelliously , or maybe it was reality intruding. Whatever the case now I raise my hands in prayer intermittently but I lack the total conviction I had or I convince myself halfway that I don't really need whatever I asked for. Self defense some would say, whatever the rationalization, I want the belief back... and I want it answered....

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Or you want it any other way?



Majal hai keh when a five year old is singing, dancing, running, jumping, swooping in for sudden, gentle kisses, alphabet spelling your incorrectly spelled mithun poster ("m....a.....t....h...a...n"), pretending your calculator is a phone ("HELLOOOOOOO!! AWAAAAZ AARAHHII HAAAAAII?"), crayoning drawings for you, randomly breaking into pushto (their neighbours are pathan), wanting to watch the same 'pink panter' DVD for the zillionth time, putting the three stuffed animals in your room to bed ("babies sojaooo"), giggling, snuggling into your side when you're asleep, being enchanted when you tent a sheet over his head, vrooming a toy truck around your feet hawking imaginary food, doing the twist with you to the pink panther theme song and asking 'kyooooooon' about everysinglething in the world from highlighters to how many is 172.. 


Majal hai keh the world should revolve around anything else, or you want it any other way?



Wednesday, November 3, 2010

on my way to office today i saw a young man in his car, poking and punching the air above the steering wheel, shaking his head peacock-pigeon style to the music while waiting for the traffic lights to change. i remembered an older post where i could only see sad, lost faces all around and i was thinking, what has happened to my city? i've been smiling a lot these days but looking at him really made me grin. and i was thinking, again, has something happened to my city? or is it just that we see happiness when we have it inside us?



Tuesday, October 19, 2010

It's a simplest thing, always so hard to see.

At times we become friends with the most unlikely people in the most unpredictable manner. Too many times friendships break for the most unfathomable reasons. I don’t understand how people can break off relationships which took ages to form in the blink of an eye. It takes a lot of personal investment to form a relationship of any sort. You invest time, attention and most importantly a lot of your own self in the process. One would suppose that if for nothing else then personal benefit people would try to sustain it and yet they don’t.

While I can talk to people as long as I desire, as much as I wish there are very few where I become emotionally involved. However when this does happen then I embark on this journey of exploration of ‘us’ with permanence in mind. Naive, maybe, idiotic definitely! I never for a moment imagine that I would lose touch with you or that you wouldn’t be a very important part of my life for as long as I breathe. It took me this perverted place to realize that is not so. This realization was like measles, the earlier you have it, the better it is for the sufferer and yet I still don’t comprehend.


I am not your friend because I hope to gain some material advantage from you or because I cant find a more profitable way to while away the hours. I am your friend because I care and that is something which you don’t have the brains to figure out… yet or so I hope.

After a fight if I care enough to call and continue as if nothing happened it doesn’t mean I don’t have an ego, neither does it imply that you won some battle of wits for there are none involved.  Unfortunately logic never had much to do with how I feel about you.

Despite all this I have reached the end of my tether. I have tried my best to make you understand, maybe I haven’t been able to get my point across, maybe you don’t want to see the point. Whatever the reason, even for you there is a limit to what I can put up with without becoming bitter and I have reached that limit. So much as it pains me, much as I don’t want to, I need to.. let go. I need to stop but I will wait for you to come to your senses, if you ever do.

Hurry up though for I don’t know how long I will be here.




Tuesday, October 12, 2010





Sometimes you just have to let things be.










Thursday, October 7, 2010

No Big Deal

I could have been dead by now. 
I had apparently missed the blast  just by few minutes.
But, no big deal. 
Right?

What a sick world. 

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Crabapple..

Friend: How are you so happy all the time? 
Me: Because when I'm sad, I just STOP being sad. 
Friend: You need help.


But w/e all I need is a jhappi as of now. 
:(
Plus, I need to change my blogs layout. 
Help, Plis?

I remember a part of my dream from last night. Walking up long winding stairs to the top of a pristine white temple of some sort and watching the sunset and thinking this is where I want to be. It was so vivid and real. Unfortunately I woke up to find myself on the couch and all the happiness went right back to crabbiness. I haven’t been able to concentrate on anything properly. I’m this close to cutting all contact from the outside world and going into my shell for a couple of days(months?). Every free moment is spent worrying or whining or cribbing or wishing. I want positivity. I want direction. I want an escape. I want sunshine.
  

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Very disappointed.

Just when I started trusting you with the whole of me.. 
Why did you have to lie?
 Matlab, 
hudh he hogae,
 jee.

I tou just never saw it coming.
Humph. 

Sunday, September 26, 2010

...









She was babbling. Talking too fast, words rushing out on top on one another to fill the silence between them, rushing from one end of the room to the other, trying to keep busy…  Except when she turned around, he was right there, too close, and all too real raising a finger to place against her lips…


Ssshhhhhh love.


"Is it really necessary to say all these words when all you need to do is feel this?


and a hand lifted her palm to where his heart beat in a reassuring rhythm…


"Do we really need to speak when all that is real can be felt?" 


..and gentle fingers caressed her face, brushing down her hair to clasp her waist to draw her closer


Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Random thoughts triggered by serial Malaal - Mature Love





A racing heart is an alarming symptom, along with all those other clichéd expressions like butterflies in the stomach, palpitating palms, knees buckling or turning to jelly, pudding, trifle (or whatever dessert u fancy) and incoherent speech (disjointed sentences, obvious grammatical errors, stammering, stuttering, spitting). If a certain someone has that affect on you, then you are most definitely...not in love..but in trouble. You would very conveniently try to overlook the most glaring of his flaws and magnify even the most nonexistent qualities and even if the object of your affections has not been blessed, then you would make an utmost effort to turn his vices into virtues. This is what obsession/infatuation does to you. You chase an idea, not a person, you are enthralled by the feeling and a not a human being. Sometimes it was simply the magic of that moment which held you spellbound, sometimes someone just catches you when you are your most vulnerable self and sometimes you are just being a plain idiot and willingly take a nosedive into the ditch. 

But I don’t want to talk about this...i want to talk about Mature Love...the dull, steady, predictable, stable like the waters of a lake, very unlike the infatuation which is like the gushing river, meandering its way down the valley, moving with great speed and zeal washing away everything that comes in the way. At that time you feel life is your canvas, and the possibilities are endless, you can move the brush in any direction and the painting would turn out pretty. You are spontaneous, impulsive and unstoppable. It is only when you reach a certain age, you realize in your haste, how you have smeared the colors on the sketch and how you have bruised yourself blue by speeding on that gravelly path. Anyways so I am digressing again…Mature love with its still and serene waters. Its boring alright, but I think it is only after some time and a couple of bad decisions later, you begin to realize boring is synonymous to stable, and stability is the only thing that holds you firmly on the ground. We may fall in love with bitches and bad boys, but we need a man/woman with character, principles and a stable head to move forward (especially if we ourselves happen to be psychotic, obsessive, impulsive and bi-polar). We need compatibility and comfort, as opposed to chemistry, which is completely ephemeral and can be blamed on hormones more than anything else. We need someone to think rationally, someone who has an ability to know exactly how to handle a crisis situation, someone who has the patience to listen to your sometimes wild, sometimes interesting, sometimes totally outrageous ideas without judging you but most importantly he should have the strength to stand by you and defend you fiercely if you are wronged, but at the same time having the power to alter you, when you are wrong yourself, without being imposing. I think it is almost impossible to find someone with a wild streak, a stable mind and principled heart. And if you also manage to fall in love with such a man/woman, than it may actually be mature love. You are not judging the strength of your emotion by how many times your heart skips a beat or how often he/she leaves you short of breath. There is something far more significant, poignant and most importantly lasting in that relationship. You share the same fundamentals, ideas and perspective on life, religion, career, family and love. In mature love it’s so much easier to tune yourself to the same frequency, and once you have that, then your idea of romance changes. You know what the person is thinking about even while sitting across the room. The secret smile on his/her face would be interpretable by you alone, even in a roomful of people. Having the power to complete someone’s sentences and enjoying companionship even in silence, without having to fill it constantly with meaningless banter. 

However, having said that and painting the most idealistic image of this let me tells you why it’s still so rare, because this requires effort, time and patience. This is not something that you will get on a silver platter, it’s something you will have to find, and it exists in the most unlikely places. Most of us will complain about never coming across a love so profound, and that’s not because something as perfect as that doesnt exist but because we don’t know where to look for it.


Tuesday, September 7, 2010

At My Funeral…

Sorry for the morbid post but it would kill me *lol* to not let you all know what I need from you at my funeral I were to die suddenly.


1- Would love to be mummified but that’s probably too much trouble so I’ll stick to the burial. Oo! A burial at sea would be awesome too. On second thought, I can’t swim and I’m not a water person. So yes, normal land burial it is.


2 - If my organs can be donated, please do.


3 - I want my tombstone to be nothing short of fabulous. And no sappy words! I want funny. I            know I have plenty of creative friends. One of you will come up with something.


4 - Please do NOT wear black/white/baby pink to my funeral. I’d much rather you wore normal, colorful clothes.


5 - I’ve thought of photos but crying people…or dead people for that matter don’t make for pretty photos.


6 -There has to be a post funeral party. With balloons and flowers around pretty photos of me. And my favorite music playing in the background.In P.S I Love You style, I want each of you to say something nice about me. Photos at the post  funeral party are permitted.


7 - The last time I went to a funeral, people formed a line to offer their condolences to the deceased’s family. I think it’s kind of mean to form a queue (What is this? Walmart?) especially to say “I’m sorry” to people who are already devastated. You cannot make it better. So leave my family alone. Unless of course you bump into them in which case you are allowed to say your sorry. Although, unless you are the reason I died, I don’t see why you should be sorry. Maybe you can stick to “She was wonderful” instead.


8 - Change my Facebook status to “Palwasha N. Minhas is dead”. And delete all of my pictures. One of you will be lucky enough to have my password. If I die suddenly without having given anyone the password, figure it out. My sister should be able to help with this. 


9 - As for my possessions, my leftover money will go to my sisters. As will my laptop/laptops. My camera will go to Ali to add to his collection. My books will go to Sana, as she loves them as much as I do. She will also get my stationery. As for my clothes, shoes, other secret items you may or may not find in my closet :D , take whatever you want and give the rest to charity. My diaries…Ideally, I would like them to be passed on from generation to generation. If I do not have children at the time of my death, they will go to my sister who can then pass it on. Imagine as future generations marvel at my chronicles and use my words of wisdom *ahem* to live their lives … As for hidden documents on my laptop, I’d like them to go unread as they were deep rooted secrets and thoughts and are not meant to be shared. 


10 - Don’t forget to save a hair and a nail for DNA purposes so that in case technology ever advances enough to re-create dead humans, you will have the pleasure of my company once again! Woot!


That’s as much as I can remember right now. If I do think of something else, I’ll add it in. If you can think of something else that I might need to add, let me know. Btw, this is not intended to be dark humor (Okay maybe a little). But this is seriously what I want for my funeral and this is what is to be considered as my will incase I die an untimely death and do not have an actual will.






Friday, September 3, 2010

:,)


Dreams are always crushing when they don't come true.
 But it's the simple dreams that are often the most painful 
because they seem so personal, so reasonable, so attainable. You're always close enough to touch, but never quite close enough to hold and it's enough to break your heart.

— Nicholas Sparks




Thursday, September 2, 2010

I be you.




... I 
want to take your breath away like a secret 
present unto me alone, be the well of your happinesses 
I want to call you when I hurt, look up into your 
eyes when I wake, take your tears and turn them into 
laughter I want to be 
the only one you see when I enter a room 
the one you call first with the good news 
the keeper of your secrets, the treasurer of 
your soul, I want you to be 
the light in my eyes, the lilt 
in my voice...




Monday, August 30, 2010

..

The beginnings of a new relationship are so strange, are-they-not? Strange and somewhat tedious. All that senseless dithering, speculating about the hidden meanings behind actions and intentions behind words. It's an appealing miasma, but a miasma it be: this process of discovering, assessing, evaluating another human being. On so many levels the calculations start though completely unbidden. Even the most cynical of us wonder if 'this-one-time' will be an exception, and in that wondering drive ourselves mad. The most unnerving thing, I think, of this (inevitable) process is the tedious wait. The wait till he calls. The wait till he says what you think he should be saying. The wait while you wonder if what you're inferring in is actual fact what he is saying. The wait while you figure out if you're reading the signals right. The wait while you figure out if this is what you want after all...





Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Baba Dearest..



sometimes when i am tired and the world is 
far away and muted
i wish for things. things like 
sheep and a pillow and 
blue fish.
small wishes, little wishes 
pairs of arms and tired lips still smiling 
eyes fluttering, teetering on 
a dream 
sometimes when 
i am tired and 
strength is so 
far away
i miss you.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Love was only a dream.



I swim
Towards an unknown shore
Drawn towards…
The deep sea
I may drown
In the abyss of another world
Unknown to me…
I watch the waves beating the rocks
As it throbs…
In my heart.

Why am I climbing
Onto the steep hills
I know…
I am scared of heights
I look down…
From those deadly curves
The more, I feel dizzy
As the cloud kisses its peaks
It stirs an ache
I realize i may fall.

In the magical desert
As I get lost…
I walk without a destination
In its stormy dune
I heard it is this way…
In love
The oasis…
Seem a mirage
I am enchanted
In its fairy tale.

I float as the cloud
Slowly, maybe softly
As I soar in the sky
I sense a new freedom
As a bird, I glide
I imagine…
My wings could reach…
The moons and stars
As they stare and smile
I have touched my soul.

I open my eyes…
I see him walking…
Away, from me
I pray…
The wind carries him
Back, to me
If only, he could love me.